Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you’d rather live by yourself in a small hut, in the middle of a forest, with no phone and no access to the rest of the world? And not because you consider yourself too cool to be part of the society, but simply because you have the feeling that your pure existence disturbs others, gets them angry and annoyed and you don’t know why. You don’t understand their reactions, you don’t know why everything you say ends up generating anger.
You remember Kate Barnes’s “Future plans”, a poem that resonated with you when you first read it a few months back. Now you feel it, although from a bit of a different perspective.
You want to fix the problem, but you don’t know how. You want to understand it, but you can only get bits of it, you want to say something that would make it better, but whatever you say ends up just making things worse. So what do you do then…?
Like every time you’re faced with a problem, you’re trying to look at the source…ok…the source. Maybe you haven’t shown enough gratitude for their help? Maybe you haven’t apologized enough that you got to the point where you needed help? But you feel like you’ve said “Thank you!” and “I’m sorry” so many times in the past few weeks… And you feel sooooo guilty…guilt…that’s one nasty feeling. And their words hurt like hell, you just want to lock yourself in a bathroom and cry.
So you end up thinking…maybe the source is actually just your pure existence. If only you lived by yourself in a small hut in the middle of the forest and everyone thought you were dead, then no one would get angry because of you.
But then you get a cute message from a guy that makes you smile, a picture all the way from Grenada with your blog on the background (Kathy is reading it during lecture breaks), a phone call to join a dinner party with friends across town and your mood gets a bit better. Some rum with coke helps as well. At least you’re not annoying everyone around just yet, so there’s still hope. Maybe you could do with a few people in your hut, after all.
Life as usual. Good and bad.