No one wants to be cheated on and lied to. It makes one feel very stupid and worthless. An object used for someone’s entertainment. One blames their selves for being naïve, for having trusted, for having fallen in love, for not having analyzed the situation enough, for not having been able to prevent it, for having put someone else’s needs before their own etc etc.
One wants to find someone to blame. One wants to know the rationale of the irrational. One wonders why. One wants to know, simply know where, how, when it all turned that way. One wants to know why were there so many unnecessary lies told along the way when all one asked for was honesty.
One wants to find a way to get all that anger out. One starts to doubt everyone around. One gets paranoid. One starts crying. And when the tears stop, one wants revenge. One wants to fight for a cause. To speak up. To raise above it all. One looks for something or someone else to believe in.
All shades of grey disappear. There is just black and white, nothing else. Fair and unfair. Truth and lies. All or nothing. There’s no middle way. No more compromises. “My way or the high way” kind of attitude.
But this is not a story about relationships. It’s not about my life and my feelings right now.
This is a story about Kenya, a beautiful country with beautiful people with whom I’ve started to sympathize much more since I got out of the safe environment in Nairobi.
So let’s talk openly about the elephant in the room.
Kenya’s drama is as simple as that: people don’t want to be cheated on and lied to. Not again. They know for sure they’ve been cheated on and lied to before.
They have proof it happened on the past elections earlier this year (8th of August). They suspect it happened also 4 years ago during the previous elections.
But now it’s clear and obvious, you don’t even have to be a lawyer to figure it out. And they’ve decided they had enough. They just want to break up.
But you see…even if the shades of grey disappear, there are still mixed feelings even when you’re an individual and not a country. Breaking up doesn’t always come easy. Breaking up sometimes takes more time than necessary because part of you is in denial.
Part of you wants to find excuses. Part of you still wishes hard for it not to be true even when you know for sure it is true. Part of you wants to deny the facts.
Part of you prefers to declare you insane and paranoid just to protect you from the disappointment of having been cheated on and lied to. Part of you stops questioning for fear of what it might find out.
Part of you starts thinking about all the things you have in common, all the happy moments. Part of you refuses to put the labels “liar”, “bastard”, “the one who took advantage of me” to someone you trusted and loved.
Part of you wants to believe that it’s impossible for it all to have been just a lie, even when you KNOW that it was all just a lie.
Part of you pushes for a second chance. The masochistic part of you.
My time in Kenya is still very far from the tear gas being shown in international press, far from the street fights and the clashes between the police and some of the citizens, far from the rubber bullets.
I’m now even isolated on Mfangano Island on Lake Victoria, I’m more than one hour boat ride away from the mainland.
Yet, everyone I come in contact with here is very politically aware of what’s going on. They’re constantly watching the news and so am I since I’ve been here. They know at any given time what’s going on and what’s the latest update.
People here are the ones who have decided they had enough. They are the ones who want a change. They are the ones who want the break-up. They know a second chance would be pointless. They are the ones who don’t see any shade of grey. They are the ones who want to fight for a cause, no matter what.
Yet, as a whole, Kenya still has mixed feelings. She’s aware of everything, yet she can’t make the leap; she can’t break herself from what’s hurting her. She can’t let go. She still believes in second chances.
Kenya is still not ready to break-up, even if everything is clear and right into her face.
So then…how far can this go when the population is segregated to this degree? How far can the people who want the break-up take the entire story?
Since they can’t talk reason into the other part of Kenya, should they force their way and their view, no matter on the impact of their actions? What would forcing their way actually mean anyway?
When you’re an individual, you usually oscillate before making a decision. Although we want to believe that most of our decisions are rational ones, actually most of them are as irrational as it can get.
I want to believe that my decision process is some kind of democracy, a fair electoral process that goes on inside my brain after which I choose whatever is best for me.
But is it really? Sometimes a small detail ends up counting much more than a million other reasons. Sometimes I “follow my heart” and ignore my reason.
Sometimes I chose to put myself through unnecessary danger. Sometimes I ignore my intuition in key moments.
Sometimes I ignore the signs because I don’t want to be disappointed. Sometimes it takes me very long to realize and to admit that I was completely wrong.
I continue making the wrong decisions until I am ready, as a whole to make the right decision, until reason prevails and I am fully convinced.
I then take the leap, learn my lesson and never look back.
Kenya’s current drama, although very simple, it doesn’t have a clear solution. The wounds are already very deep; it will, for sure, take a long time and hard work for them to heal.
Force, aggressiveness, violence, open fights are never the right answer. Force, aggressiveness, violence, open fights never help with the healing process, but rather make wounds deeper and deeper and deeper until nothing’s left, until nothing can be saved anymore.